Thursday, December 30, 2010

Random Thursday Thoughts and Happy New Years Eve!

I have seen other bloggers writing Random Thursday Thought blogs and I thought today would be a perfect time to try one out. I am looking forward to sipping champagne with my cute husband tomorrow and hope everyone has a rocking out, fantastic, fun but safe New Years Eve!

1) I saw a brief end of "Johnny Bravo Christmas" episode that was pretty hilarious. I am not sure what exactly was going on but it was like a weird dream and it had Donny Osmond in it and at one point an old man (don't know what character) turned to Donny Osmond and said, "You're really conceited" or something funny like that. Johnny Bravo is funny and cute and when I started dating my husband we would joke around about the cartoon and how his says, "Hey Mama" which Joe used to say to me.

2) I also saw a brief ending of an old Power Puff Girls episode over the Christmas holiday week. I loved the Power Puff Girls, what a cute and funny way and might I add EMPOWERING cartoon for girls! Girls who kick ass and are heroes! That is what I like to see, we need more examples of that for girls in this sexist, not-giving-women-the ultimate respect and praise and glory that we deserve!! Girl POWER! Yeah!

3) I spotted a "More Cowbell" picture/flag outside of one of my co-worker's cubicles this morning. I was so excited to see that someone here has a similar sense of humor as me and likes that skit as much as I do. The whole skit is pure comic genius. You have got Will Ferrel with the insane hair and very tight pants banging away on the cowbell, while Christopher Walken says, "I have got a fever and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!!" One of my favorite SNL skits EVER!

4) I look forward to having some delicious champagne tomorrow night. I really just like watching the bubbles and tasting them. Champagne is a silly kind of buzz, its different from wine or beer or the hard stuff. New Years is another overrated holiday. People always feel so much pressure to have some fun and exciting plans and places charge ridiculous amounts of money just to get a table. And the Rocking New Year's Eve Specials are always weird and have crappy people you don't want to see like Ryan Seacreast, Carson Daily and musical people that I could definitely do without like the Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha or please don't even think it....Justin Bieber! Help us please! And I won't even mention how horrified I felt when they put Dick Clark back on tv a few years ago when he was still recovering from his stroke! I felt so uncomfortable and bad for him. Sometimes you have to know when to let go I think. I know I always have a great time being with my favorite person in the universe, that gorgeous main squeeze of mine.

5) Apparently EVERYONE takes off the last couple of weeks of the year. I have flown to work with no traffic all week. I wish I had so much leave saved up that I could take 2 weeks off too, but I am starting over from scratch and need to bulid up my leave. This no traffic week has made me realize that I could make it here in 30 to 40 minutes and there is a world without constant road rage. I am in for a rude awakening come next week!!

Happy New Year Everyone! I know I have SO many blessings to count and SO much to be so GRATEFUL for!!! Cheers to a great 2011 and I love my readers, I hope I can provide you with funny stories in this new year. Thank you to you for reading, commenting and sharing in this little world of mine. You rock socks!!






Saturday, December 25, 2010

A TRULY WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS!!

I have been waiting to post pictures of my tree and decorations until today. I thought I would do a huge Christmas explosion post!! Pictures of the tree, the cards, the gifts OH MY!! So I hope all of you had a fantastic, cozy, snuggly, delicious and warm Christmas! This morning I got up and ran down the stairs to open all my presents from my amazing husband! I was so overwhelmed and felt just as giddy and excited as I did when I was little! I sit here with my Christmas Cookie Yankee candle burning and it started SNOWING this morning. What could be more perfect??  Love to you and your friends and family!











Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holidays at work

Here are some pictures of our Holiday party and our office Christmas tree. Everyone worked really hard to put it together. They did a wonderful job! I am very lucky to have a great job and work with awesome people who are really generous and genuinely good people. Coming very soon - pictures of our tree at home in the Colum-bubble and all the Christmas goodies!! I have had a lot of fun so far this week finding new HILARIOUS blogs to read, so to all my fellow bloggers out there, especially my newest ones, thank you for writing and sharing your funny and quirky lives, you Rock socks! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!








Friday, December 17, 2010

First Snow Story and other debacles

So I know many friends who "love the snow" and think its so beautiful and pretty. I do too UNLESS I have to drive in it! Yesterday we had our first real snowfall of the season. For those of you who don't live in Maryland, you are so lucky to not have to have suffered through last winter's snow-acalypse. This is not an exaggeration or "being dramatic". We were pummeled with blizzard after blizzard, one right after the other dumping FEET and FEET of snow on our teeny little state. And our state CAN'T HANDLE that much snow! We don't have the resources, the trucks or the space to deal with that much snow. After going through it, I have since learned that in other states, they have special designated areas in parking lots where they pile up the mounds of white stuff. Well not here so it becomes an exhausting and dangerous game to try to drive around in it.
So I wake up and here we are going to get about an inch. I decide to go to work and if it started to snow and stick to the roads, I would just leave early. I am lucky to be able to do that. So I got to work and the snow started falling around 10 am, it wasn't hard snow, it was tiny little light snowflakes but it was so cold that it immediately started sticking to every frozen surface.
I put in my leave slip and was out of here by 11:15. The roads had not been treated yet and just the little bit that was out there was very treacherous. Also, on my lovely commute, I traverse many windy roads complete with steep hills which makes all of this more dangerous and ridiculous. I also pass over 3 or 4 bridges which is terrifying considering that they freeze first! So there I am on East-West Highway and I am watching in horror as this pick up truck is fish tailing in front of me. Then when I was closer to home on 29, cars were coming dangerously close to ramming into me, I was praying the whole time, "please just get me home safely". Then I came to the dreaded exit, its splits off into 2 directions and one direction ( the way I needed to go) hadn't been cleared or driven on, it was just a mass of white! So I decided to go out of my way and go towards the mall but this forced me to have to make a U-turn at the first light to go back in the correct direction. This is where I started screaming at other drivers who of course couldn't hear me and I end up looking like a deranged mental patient!! I hate driving in that crap!
So I finally make it home safely! Whew! This morning I had to get up and decide if I should brave the roads again and decided that they looked pretty good. I thought if I can just give myself a treat and go to Starbucks on my way to work. So when I am walking in I hold the door for this woman and she thanks me and tells me that I am very kind. I said oh your welcome. It was a very long line and the barista was asking what we wanted and I must not have appeared to be paying attention because when it was my turn to order, I felt this woman poke me in the back to the shoulder! WHHHHHAAAATT!!?? OH NO! This is NOT OK! This is not polite Starbucks etiquette!! And I was ready and I did call out my order when it was my turn! NO NEED FOR TOUCHING OF ANY KIND LADY!! Plus, I was really nice and held the door for you and now all I want to do is punch you in the face! I hope all of you don't think I am some violent maniac psychopath but around this time of year, when its cold, its the holidays and I just fought through "snow traffic", its not safe to assume that you can shove your finger into the back of my shoulder!! ARRRGGHH!!
Also, this morning, I gave my husband my last $5, so I knew when I got here I would have to use the ATM so that I could buy lunch at the "CASH ONLY" (so freaking annoying) cafeteria we have here in the building.  OF COURSE the ATM wasn't in service so I had to go to another building all the while battling throught the crowds of highschoolers who invade the area at lunch time. Then to my utter dismay, I look down and realize the glove that I just purchased amongst the insane Christmas crazy crowds, now have holes in the finger tips! HELP!! NOO!!! I just bought these damn gloves to replace the other ones from Target that had too many holes! I can't win for losing it seems! So I will just add it to my long list of purchases that I need to make this weekend. Sorry that I have been raging and venting so much lately. But its all funny and crazy and I am sure most of you are going through similar trials and tribulations during this lovely time of year!





Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Frustrations

I know that most of you can relate to these kind of frustrations that I encountered today. I have already shared with you that the holidays can drive me crazy. But I am not the only one! A co-worker pointed out that people everywhere start to get a little crazy, whether it be on the road or in line at the store, or where ever they happen to be, they are being all types of extra strength crazy and they need to turn down the crazy!!! So I had a really rough day at work and I still needed to go get gas and pick up what I signed up to bring to the holiday party - a wing platter. I thought that would be a simple enough thing to bring. I wouldn't have to cook or bake anything. I thought I could go somewhere and get a reasonably priced platter.  I knew I didn't want to spend too much money or too much time. I called my wonderful husband and asked if he could try to get a platter from Sam's club near his work. I called Sam's club and a person who didn't speak english very well answered- I asked about wings or wing platters, I couldn't understand what the person said, but there was something about 53 dollars and 36 pounds! HUH? I was like, "Do you have any wing platters out on the floor?" I think he said they had some for $11 and there was only 16 wings or something. That didn't go well. Then my husband tells me a few days later that Sam's club doesn't sell wing platters anymore. WHAT?! So now I knew I would be forced to order one from Giant and their smallest one was $30! UGH! TOO MUCH!
So today was the day I needed to go pick them up, I am going to the light near my house and a dude drives right up on my ass almost crashes into the back of my car and then speeds around me and cuts me off. I was forced with rage to follow this a-hole all the way to the gas station where I got gas in the FREEZING, frigid air. Then I finally made it to Giant. I also needed to pick up honey, Q-tips and some Chapstick. I circled the tolietries aisle, once, twice, THRICE! No freaking Q-tips!! I also didn't see any regular Chapstick, I did see over priced Bonnie Bell lip smackers but not my trusty Chapstick. So I make my way with my honey to the dreaded deli counter to pick up my order of wings. This is where I encountered the two fools that sent me over the edge!! One was a woman who was about 3 feet tall, NOT a small person, just a miniature person, complete with high pitched whinny voice. The other was a middle aged man with a crazy winter hat with fur flaps. They are both carrying on and on talking to each other and working the young men behind the counter to death. The woman asked for liverwurst (DISGUSTING) and they were both buying several different meats and asking to sample them and then DISCUSSING how good they were. I wanted to scream, "This is not your personal tasting and sampling hour!!" Get your crap as fast as you can and move on!! Just when I thought that I couldn't wait any longer just to simply ASK if I can have my online order and go, they both start asking for the SODIUM CONTENT of one of the meats, really? REALLY PEOPLE? The young man working behind the counter had to go and find the huge slab of meat and tell them the exact amount of sodium. They wanted each meat they ordered sliced again, sliced thinner or weighed again. Then the mini woman asked to taste something else! I thought smoke would start coming from the sides of my head. Finally, the man customer thanked mini woman and went on his MERRY Christmas way. That freed up one Giant employee to be able to ask me what I needed. I finally got my hands on my $30 wings (by the way there are only 30 wings) so a total rip off. After paying for them, I had to use both hands to try to carry the platter and I dropped the honey and the top broke. What a disaster. But at least its over and now I can enjoy my work Christmas party tomorrow (we will see about that) maybe that will be a future post?
This is how I felt when I saw the two fools and knew it would be a good 10 minutes before they were finished with their deli party

Then I felt more like this when I realized they were just getting warmed up when I had arrived

Then it turned into this inner scream, "Get your crap and LEAVE please I need to pee and I can't stay here until CLOSING!!"

Then It turned into this look of sheer desperation and utter disbelief, I just couldn't believe they were still hanging around and what?! You want to "sample" something else, No! Just Go!!

This is why on my facebook page I added this funny picture of the Abominal Snowman from Rudolph and said simply, "Sometimes the holidays make me feel like THIS!"

Friday, December 10, 2010

FUNNIEST EMAIL FORWARD EVER!

Ok, I can't take credit for this in any way. But I think about this email forward all the time cause its so funny and true!! Its called, "How to Poop at Work" and for those of you that know me, you know I love a little fart and poop humor! This breaks it down into every hilarious scenario that may strike!! ENJOY and share with your friends!

How to Poop at Work




We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet

Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.



SHIRLEY TEMPLE A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the

pooper can poop in peace.



WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



HAVANA-OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.



AUNT BETTY

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever... Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!



SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF

The King Poop: This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly Poop: You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.



Cement Block: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.



Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.



The Bungee Poop: The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.



The Crippler: The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Party Pooper: The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The BEST of the best of Christmas!

Ok so the last post was a little on the NEGATIVE side and I apologize, maybe it was the frenzied feeling of Thanksgiving, and then Chanukah on Dec. 1st and then the Christmas rush to follow. This post is dedicated to all of my favorite things about Christmas, past and present. I hope that you see some things that you also love and if for any reason you haven't seen one of the movies please see it this year!!

FAVORITE HEART WARMING CHRISTMAS MOVIE OR SPECIAL
1) A Charlie Brown Christmas
2) Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the CARTOON!)
3) The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (1986)
4) Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
5) Frosty The Snowman
6) The Polar Express

 
FAVORITE FUNNY (perhaps more realistic) CHRISTMAS MOVIES
1) A Christmas Story
2) Home for the Holidays
3) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS
1) Little Drummer Boy
2) Christmas Song - Nat King Cole (has to be him!)
3) Christmas Song - Dave Matthews - makes me cry every time!
4) Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas

FAVORITE RELIGIOUS CHRISTMAS SONGS
1) Oh Holy Night
2) Silent Night

I am reminded often by my sister that every Christmas time I would play the "Chipmunks Christmas" record over and over and sit and read along in the book. The high pitched Chipmunk singing (along with me singing off key on top of that!) really drove my sisters and my parents crazy every Christmas (sorry guys!). It was such a nice story though!!  I ABSOULTELY ADORED my records with the books when I was little. I had all the Disney classics like Cinderella, Snow White, Jungle Book, Its A Small World, Robin Hood  and I had Pete's Dragon, Benji, Annie (my obsession!). These albums/books were so important to me and so loved. I would spend hours with them. And these are treasures you really can't find any more. I wish I could pass them along to my kids. I still have a few of them, they are worn and the pages are falling out. I will also need to get a record player. Ahh the 80s. What a magical time to be a kid!!! How lucky I was! :)
I much more postive MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!! And a HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Happy Holidays everyone. Love to you and yours!






Monday, December 6, 2010

Holidays are....

There was a song that my sister turned me onto in the 90s called, "Holidays are HELL" it was a pretty good rock out song. The holidays can be filled with time spent with family and friends, magical moments and fun opening presents, eating yummy treats while sipping on hot chocolate. But they can also be filled with stress, anxiety, irritation and pure madness!!! Some people at an old job referred to me as a "Scrooge" or a "Grinch" because that year I didn't want a co-worker to constantly hit a toy she had that played Jingle Bells, or the fact that that year I didn't want to put up a Christmas tree. You don't have to have a tree every year!! Ok, well I don't consider myself a Scrooge or a Grinch or a hater of holidays or Christmas. But I will use this post to vent about all the annoying and crazy events that have happened so far. I will also take this opportunity to say, that I do get very annoyed by the Christmas music in the grocery store and every where you go. Last night we went out with my husband's parents for a Chanukah dinner and the Christmas music at the restaurant got stuck like a record skipping. Yeah, talk about one of the most irritating things to happen at any point and then for it to be the freaking Christmas music! AHHHH! A local radio station, 101.9, plays Christmas music non-stop from the Thanksgiving to New Years. TOO MUCH, yes, I think so!
Ok so this past weekend we had a plan to go get the Christmas tree. My husband is Jewish and I was raised Catholic. My husband actually always celebrated both Jewish and Christian holidays pretty much his whole life. So now we have tried to take on that overwhelming task of celebrating IT ALL!!! This becomes pretty crazy and it seems like its always one holiday coming or going or another. Whew!
Last year we didn't have a tree last year or the year before because we were living in the condo with three flights of steps and not much space. So now that we are in the townhouse I wanted to get a small tree. So on a VERY BITTER COLD Saturday we get in the car and pick out our tree and load it in the trunk and go home. We had a birthday party to go (which was awesome and lots of fun - thanks Paul!!) so we left it out on the deck. Yesterday, Joe and I struggled to put this bad boy up. There were numerous shouts of "OUCH" as the tree needles stuck us in numerous places. We tried to get it upright in the stand, it was crooked. We tried to fix it, more getting stuck , Joe crawling around on the floor furiously screwing and unscrewing and rescrewing the stupid pins in and out again. So now is it ok? Nope. Still crooked. Repeat previous process! So finally we got it as straight as we thought we could. Joe begins the first of many vacuum trips to get up all the needles. Then I was upstairs and I feel like I stepped in gum and I am sticking to the carpet, I look on the bottom of my sock and I grab a huge, sticky sap ball off of the bottom! Now I have a sap ball and sticky sap all over my fingers. AND...at this very moment, I hear the distinct clicking noise of something hitting the wall behind the bedroom door. I am so used to this sound I know it can only be one thing...A freaking stink bug. Really stink bugs!? Really?! (from SNL) its 30 degrees outside and that is the high for the day! Haven't you all crawled off somewhere under ground so you can plague us again in the Spring?!! So I go to the bathroom and as many of you know you can't get sap off of your hands by washing it off. Nice. So I have to go downstairs smear some peanut butter all over those fingers and then wipe all of that off. Now I am in a panic that we desperately need a tree skirt (which of course we don't have) so that there won't be more sap balls all over the carpet. We had to use sheets. All of this insanity has led me to the conclusion that we are going the route of the artificial tree and we aren't looking back! If you think about it, it really is quite a bizzare tradition you take a live tree cut it down out of nature and put it inside to wreak havoc on your house. This is why I love the movie, "A Christmas Story" because it really shows the true to life craziness of it all and makes you laugh at all this STUFF we call Christmas. I am off now to do some ONLINE shopping. I also dread going any where near a store or mall of any kind in the entire month of December. I will have to do a little more next weekend, but I will be speedy Gonzalez in and out of there! I was in Target a few weeks ago trying to pick out my Christmas cards (pretty early to avoid the crazies) and I was bending down checking them out and a man dropped a box of lights on my back! As you can imagine I was fuming!! WTF people and stink bugs!! You are making me insane!! Happy Holidays every one!!