Thursday, February 10, 2011

"Like a FART in an Elevator!"

WARNING: This post is about flatulence, farts, gas, poots or toots. If you are grossed out by that topic and don't find it silly and fun like me then you might want to skip this post.

Well, after yesterday's girlie, mushy post about all things love and Valentine's Day, I thought I would follow up with a funny story about flatulence, one of my favorite topics!!
Everyone is afraid of the fart in the elevator! I mean its just a nightmare, stink bomb, death TRAP situation, isn't it? You are already uncomfortable and you are stuck in there with a bunch of strangers and everyone is staring at the numbers because they don't feel like making small talk.
So what do you do in that situation if you need to rip a good one? Well you squeeze those butt cheeks and hold that sucker in! I care about my fellow man and I don't want him or her to have to hold their breath while taking the long trip to their floor. Its bad enough that I get on and am emersed into a cloud of cologne or cheap perfume or the worst, cigarette stench. And I will again state that I used to be a smoker but when you quit you then transform back into the "rest of the non-smoking world" who is repulsed and highly irritated by second hand smoke stink. Ok, Ok back to the gas!
So there I was a few weeks ago, I had some chili and that night and the next day at work I payed the price!While at work,  I had been holding in many machine-gun style poots all day. I tried not to "crop dust" and let them out all over the office as I ran to the bathroom. Some slipped out, others stayed in the tightly squeezed cheeks. At the end of the day, I was tired of all gaseous explosions. I made my way to the elevators and down to my level of the parking gargage. I work on the 8th floor and I park on the lowest level of the garage that is under the building (what I refer to as the dungeon) so add 4 more stops to get to my final destination and when I had almost reached the bottom I decided that I coudn't hold it in any longer. It was the end of the day and no one was ever down there getting ON the elevator so I let it RIP and RIP it did. It was a long and winding fart, complete with an array of noises. PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTHHHH!! AHHH! Relief! Then.....
The door opened and there was this little man pushing his way past me to get on the elevator. I looked up at him wide eyed and in shock and horror. The ONE DAY that I decide to let my anus have its way in the elevator and you have to be there, little man, don't you? So I ran off in the direction of my car laughing hysterically (after the door closed, of course) I hope it didn't smell too bad!! Murphy's law at work again in my life, I guess the moral is don't let a fart seep out even when you think its safe!!





Since we are on the topic of so much gas, I must also take this opportunity to plug one of my favorite children's books called, "Walter the Farting Dog" by William Kotzwinkle and Glenn Murray. Its so cute and funny, I love the illustrations and kids love it too. I used to read it to my niece when she was younger and we would laugh and have a ball.



And I must add on that as always, I send a big THANK YOU and SHOUT OUT to Ruth at http://ruth-welcometome.blogspot.com/, go check out her blog and follow her too and thanks to GetaroundRob for following too. I am up to 39 followers!! I can't believe it! I am super pumped to keep these fingers typing away and keep you guys laughing. I am so close to my next goal of 50! Thanks again to Average Girl at http://goodgirlgoneaverage.blogspot.com/ for helping me out by posting my entry to her Blog Wars so more people could find me and vise versa. And I just found out that my Blog War entry was featured on a public website! This is so exciting! Here is the link, look down at the bottom on the left hand side!  http://www.righthealth.com/topic/nose_hair_filters I am really going places!

15 comments:

  1. Oh, farting..what a ridiculous thing. I actually dated a guy for five years and I never once heard him fart. It was sort of not humanly, if you ask me!!

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  2. WHAAAAAATT? A guy who never farted, he needs to be in the Guiness book or something that is unheard of! Haha!

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  3. Leslie Nielson used to carry a fart noise machine in his pocket all the time and always pushed the button when he was on an elevator. XD

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  4. Really? He was the best, so sad when he recently passed, "and don't call me Shirley.." PPPPFFFFTT!! HAHA

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  5. Aww, thanks.
    When my daughter was little she embarrassed my mom by announcing that my mom farted in a store.
    I don't think I had even seen my mom embarrassed before. :D

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  6. being a guy i say let 'er rip! it is not good to hold it in.

    funny post!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  7. Me? I never fart, that would just be wrong.

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  8. @Ruth - that is a funny story! Love it
    @Bruce - that is why guys are great, they take pride in their poots! :)
    @Mrs. Tuna - Like the book (the gas we pass) in my blog says, Everybody farts, but I know what you mean, my husband likes to believe that women and girls don't fart, but he knows that just isn't true! haha!

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  9. Nice. I admire a woman who owns up to it.

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  10. Thanks for clearing that up! Although you didn't touch on "Pull My Finger" in church or dropping little fart "air" mines in the frozen foods section. Float a biscuit, then move on.
    I'm leery about "busting ass" in public in case I have a serious "O-Ring" malfunction, thus resulting in a "shart."
    And trip to the nearest bathroom in which to clean up.
    Funny post!

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  11. You have me laughing tonight. I will have to check out that book I bet the nephews would like that.

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  12. I do love a good fart post hehe

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  13. @Vinny C - thanks! I am not ashamed!
    @Al - that is pretty funny, you made me think of Along Came Polly with the shart reference!
    @Ruth - always my intention is to get a good laugh, the book is awesome!
    @Mynx - aren't they the best? I really like fart and poop jokes, a little too much maybe!

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  14. Oh that was hilarious! I'm still laughing here!! Flatulence is a very common thing in our house and we have been known on occasion to stink one another out. Great post! :)

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