Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Second BOOBS story of the week!

First and foremost, I hope you all like the green background that is to celebrate St. Patrick's Day and the coming of Spring. This is a temporary break from Say WHHAAAT wednesday to fit in yet another funny story about boobies.

This is yet another story about boobs, fun bags, ta-tas, knockers, (I purposely won't mention the "T" word for them because I hate that word so much!) or just the appropriate name - breasts.
So last time I made you laugh about the food landing in my cleavage, if you missed it, check out my previous post. This one has a much more serious subject matter but it is also funny, who doesn't love a little humor thrown in with scary, potentially life-changing events!

This is the story of my most recent Mammogram. I didn't write about it because I was in mental torture and anguish around Christmas time. I went to see my primary care physician about some strange bruise like areas on my left "lady". I have many skin issues so I hoped that it wasn't anything too serious. But let me tell you people, DO NOT ever go looking on the internet for any symptoms related to your boobs because everything will come back the C word. And then you will turn yourself into a panic stricken, anxious, worried mess.  My primary care physician wanted me to have a Mammogram just in case. She told me not to worry, but that was no help. I am a worrier by nature and I have tried to harness this part of my self and control it and contain it, but when it comes to a situation where it involves the C word, it all unravels and spins out of control.

So the Radiology place couldn't see me until the Monday after Christmas, so I spent most of the week of Christmas wondering if I was going to get some really awful news. After that mental anguish, I went to my appointment and I don't know what kind of insanity was going on that day. But I will try to re-create the hell I experienced so you can laugh along. Except, wait, hell is supposedly hot, this waiting room was bitter cold and I am talking FREEZING!! I don't know if the heat was broken but the place was also packed to the rafters with patients awaiting their x-rays or sonograms or mammograms. So we all sat there, in terrible discomfort with our scarves, hats and winter coats staying on the entire time. I tried to distract my anxious and worried mind by reading "An Idiot's Girl Christmas" by Laurie Nataro. If you haven't read her books, you really should she is one of my favorite authors and she is freaking hilarious. The reading was quite hard to do because the horrible music they were blaring was freaky, unnatural Christmas music like Jingle Bell Rock by Beyonce which made my mood even more sour with contempt and utter hatred. I just needed to get in there and for them to tell me that I was going to be okay!
So finally it was my turn and since I am 33, I have never had this boob smashing and crushing procedure done before. I put on my gown waited and was taken by a very sweet young girl into the room with the machine. Then I think she left me in there, without my magazine, so just me and the silence and my terrifying thoughts. Then she took me up and laid my first boob out on the platform like a pancake, but the funny part is how much you have to twist your body for them to get it right and my face and head were smashed up against that square metal part of the machine that is right there, its very awkward, cold and uncomfortable. They told me on the phone that I shouldn't wear deoderant which I thought they meant only on the left side. But I didn't know they would be doing both boobs, so naturally I put deoderant on the right side. I thought well one side will be drenched and stinking might as well be fresh and dry on the other side! The technician had a good chuckle and made me wipe off the right side deo. While the machine squeezed and clamped down on my breast, the tech was telling me all about her little girl and Christmas time and how much joy her little girl has brought into her world. I tell her that I want so much to try to get pregnant and I really hope that I don't have cancer. She looks at me with compassion in her eyes and says, "Oh yeah well that is good that you are gettng checked out now" So after many more minutes of waiting she comes and gives me that magical piece of paper telling me that I am ok!  THANK YOU GOD!! Now I can breathe easy and keep trying to get pregnant. What a feeling of relief! I mean really, if you don't have your health, you don't have much!

I hope that for all the other patients in there they will fix the damn heat and turn off the terrible Christmas music!!

Here you can see the part that also pushes against your face and head!!


  1. Glad to hear it worked out. I like the first cartoon, it must feel that way from the description.

  2. i've been told that i'll have to endure the discomfort one day soon. :| dreading it. my "ladies" don't like to be poked and prodded and smashed...

    and i love the word boobs. always cracks me up for no reason. hehe

  3. @George, thanks I am too and yes that is exactly what it feels like, glad they don't stay that way all day! haha
    @Nerd Girl - Boobs is a very funny word, don't worry its not that bad, and check out my previous blog that was the one I was talking about for you! :)

  4. So very pleased that you got the all-clear! Must have been a very worrying time for you. I loved that cartoon - just describes it so well!

  5. When I got mine, I got the speech " It shouldn't hurt. But, if it does you just let me know." This from a lady that is so flat they probably couldn't do one on her if they tried.
    What about when they turn it sideways and try to gouge out your armpit with the clamp?

  6. those things are the worst! i'm really glad to have it done & out of the way for the first time & that mine came up clear too. i had to wipe off my deoderant too. i couldn't bear to leave the house without it.

  7. @Ruth, I know it does hurt, the whole thing is awkward and uncomfortable and the armpit was painful! YUCK!
    @Sherilin, I know I kept saying I have never done this before!! I felt like a 12 year old or something! :)

  8. I'm so thankful that males of my gender will never have to undergo the medieval torture of a mammogram. Can you imagine if they checked our testicles (NOTE: 'Testicles' is also an ancient Greek name. Or not.) the same way? It's bad enough when my doctor jiggles them like a pair of fleshy castanets. And I'll NEVER complain to a lady about a digital prostate check (NOTE: I'm NEVER going to prison).

  9. Al, yes, you men are so lucky for many, many reasons, mostly for not having to have periods/menopause or bear children, the mammograms are nothing compared to those two! I like when you said, "jiggles them like a pair of fleshy castanets - very funny

  10. I didn't think they did mammograms for someone so young, but instead did ultrasounds? I had the old gel and camera rod over my hoot. seems much easier than the squasher. Glad everything worked out though! What's more terrifying than ones own breasts???

  11. @Karen - my doctor told them to do both, but they only did the mammogram which made me even more scared. I am glad I am in the clear, since the C word is so rampant in that area. I was pretty terrified indeed!