Wednesday, October 5, 2011

TMI Pregnancy Post: The Final Days!

This post is going to be pretty gross and may be disturbing to some viewers. I debated about whether or not I should post all about my physical woes and discomforts and at first I thought, I probably shouldn't, but then I thought, what the hell, most of my readers have been through it or are very nice and understanding and will laugh along with me through this tough time.

Earlier on I complained about sore boobs, nausea, feeling tired, etc. Now I have a whole new slew of problems to contend with everyday. My sister recommended that I buy this book "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy where she describes in detail all about her pregnancy adventures and it is really funny. So in that spirit I will share with you what has been going on and I will try not to be too graphic or maybe I will!

The HAM HOCKS I have already previously complained about the swollen feet but now they have become such an issue that I can only wear flip flops to work. I ordered some comfy Crocs clogs that I thought would be perfect for my last month in October. I have since worn them to the office twice I think. Even the flip flops swish the swollen dogs. They also have this pinkish purplish hue that is looks like it isn't healthy.

MS. FAT FINGERS - My hands and wrists hurt so much. Pregnancy causes ALL of your joints in your entire body to suffer, wait until I go off about my hips! My fingers are also swollen and I haven't worn my wedding ring in MONTHS. My husband teased me that I look like an "easy" or "loose" woman who is walking around without a husband and as-big-as-a-house pregnant. Great! Strangers must see my left hand and go home feeling sorry for the poor pregnant girl with the stinky flip flops on!

BIG THICK RED STRETCH MARKS  - Ok I know that most women get stretch marks during pregnancy but for me, I have always had stretch marks and they are hereditary and I knew they were coming.  Growing up I had them EVERY WHERE, on my boobs, hips, inner thighs and even on my stomach, waaaaayyyyy before I even thought about getting pregnant. So you can just imagine what my belly looks like. Like a whole gang of purplish red worms are breeding and stuck to my enorumous belly.

PELVIC FLOOR PAIN This is due to my pelvis moving (I hope!) in preparation for birth. The pain is strongest where my legs meet my hips. Just turning from side to side in bed can be very painful and slow process, with lots of noises, grunting and energy exerted. I have to sleep with my pregnancy body pillow every night and can not allow myself to sleep on my back at all because it is bad for the baby and my back and can other problem, HEMORROIDS or should I call them HORROR-ROIDS.

HORROR-ROIDS - My sister told me a long time ago that her friend had experienced "golf ball" sized hemorroids during pregnancy. I was very afraid of just that THOUGHT. I was hoping that I could make it thorough without having them or at least keep them to an acceptable size. Well there I was the day before one of my baby showers that I was having at my house and I discovered something giant protruding from my rectal region. I was in a panic! NO!! This was too early! I still had almost 2 months before I had my daughter. All I wanted them to do was to GO AWAY and fast. So I went into action. After telling my mother and getting some much needed advice, I went to various stores and purchased a Sitz bath, Tucks pads and started with my daily preparation H regimin (I already had 2 tubes of Prep H on hand because I have had these nasty buggers before!) I also purchased a "butt pillow" - oval donut type for my car and office chair. At first I tried to conceal it in one of my bags, now I just don't care and I carry it with pride from the car into the builidng, on the long elevator ride with other people who work here ( the ones thinking oh, no, there goes that skanky girl who has no husband and I guess she has to sit on an embarassing butt pillow too! Poor girl, I will be praying for her!) Yeah that is right, there is no shame in pregnancy. Its all out there just like the horror-roids!! Preparation H also causes another very embarrasing predicament. After I generously apply it to my nether region, it gets on my underwear and then makes a spot on whatever pants I happen to be wearing. So I have been wearing a LOT of black pants lately, but I don't have 5 pairs of black pants. So I live in constant paranoia that I have a big grease spot on my pants while I am walking around. As the days pass, though starting to care less and less!

Those are all the heavy hitters but we can't leave out the constant fatigue, absent mindedness, forgetfulness, back pain and a very large healthy baby girl who is constantly kicking and moving and putting a ton of pressure on my poor bladder.

While all of these things have caused me a lot of grief and strife, I am still so grateful that I am healthy and that my baby girl will be here very, very soon, only about 36 days to go! We can't wait to meet her and hold her and kiss her. I just want her to be on the outside now!

I did get to feel her have the hiccups a few times this past week. That was something I always thought would be so fascinating and amazing to experience as a pregnant mother and it was and then it went on and on and on and I waas like okay that is enough now!

I hope that most of you found this funny and entertaining and not just a bunch of gross complaining!


  1. Oh, you poor thing. Have you started getting the bad heartburn too?
    Try and keep your feet propped up whenever you can.
    Horror-roids is a great word for them.

  2. Hey Ruth, I have had times with bad heart burn on and off, not as bad as it could be considering I had acid reflux when I am not pregnant, but yeah I have everything else a pregnant woman could possibly have! Lucky me!! haha

  3. oh my gosh, i loved being pregnant, but some of the side effects are just awful! grease spot on your butt? eek! i guess you're having to do laundry more than once a week to keep those black pants clean. or else you could just attach that butt pillow to your behind somehow & save yourself the trouble of carrying it.
    are your boobs leaking yet?

  4. Oh my gawd darlin...I didn't know whether to giggle at your donut whole pillow or give you hug and tell you it will be all better soon, right after you have your lovely girl!!!

    I am going with the Hug... so HUG!

  5. Oh gosh! I went through all this just 6 short months ago! I had successfully blocked it all from my mind but your blog has unearthed my memories!

    Save that butt pillow, dear! I desperately NEEDED it for a couple of weeks AFTER the delivery... but not for my butt. :o(

  6. @Sherilin, that is funny I should just tape the donut pillow to my butt cause I forgot it at work yesterday!
    @Tracy - Oh thanks, I needed a HUG! So HUGS back!
    @Minxy - I know I will probably need the pilllow AND the Sitz bath after the birth! :)

  7. Oh and @Sherilin - no the boobs haven't sprung a leak yet, I am armed with breast pads cause my coworker scared me when she said hers started at 6 months, I am glad that I don't have spots on my shirt - I can only handle the spots on my bum right now!!

  8. It almost over! I remember baby hiccups too, always after I ate.