Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My "Someday" is NOW

So I have been thinking a lot lately about how amazing this little girl is and how grateful I am to have her and my husband. For so long I thought and said aloud, "Well SOMEDAY when I am married and..." And "SOMEDAY when I have a child...." my "SOMEDAY" is now, and I want to cherish every moment with this little miracle that was given to me. Its tough, I mean its the hardest and most challenging job I have ever tackled. Especially trying to juggle being a working mom. My wonderful husband works on Saturday and is a stay at home Dad Tues.-Friday and I am very blessed to be able to work from home on Monday. Everyone keeps telling me how fast their childhood goes by, well I need to get REALLY good at practicing being present in the moment and focusing on maximizing my joy and really allowing all this happiness to fill my days. For such a long time I thought I would never get married and I was going to be 45 and alone and maybe I would adopt a child one day. I made a big bold move when I hit on my husband online and I was terrified he would not write me back or be an a-hole or I would fall for him and he would reject me. But I didn't let the fear stop me and look how lucky I am! I was so terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, I didn't know how I was going to get through it and it was hard and painful and scary but I survived. I made it through and this little girl is truly the greatest gift I could every receive. She is so sweet and beautiful and amazing and perfect. She is everything. I recently said on facebook book that I knew I was getting old and turning into my mother when I had yelled at speeders and bought a Mary Engelbreit Calendar. One of the months says, "Everything in the world is just right outside your comfort zone ~ Every single thing you could possibly want!!!" - Jaime Lee Curtis. Well that Jaime Lee is one smart cookie. I have to remind myself to add her children's books to my Amazon wish list - they are very positive and self-esteem boosting. One is called "I like Me". But this message is something that I struggle with because I like comfort and I like my comfort zone even more. I like to play it safe and take the path of least resistance when I can. But fear can hold you back and it can prevent you from having the thing you want the most, for me it was love and a family. When we decided to start to try to get pregnant, I knew that my life was going to change 100% and Pink's song "Glitter in the Air" was always on the radio. There is a line that says, "Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care" - it gave me chills and that song made me cry because that is exactly what I had to do. I had to look all of my self doubt and fear and demons in the face and say NO! I am going forward, boldly, aggressively forward toward a kind of bliss I haven't known before. A kind of joy and wonder and happiness only heaven can give me and damn it, fear you aren't going to stand in my way or stop me!! So that is my inspiration and motivation for myself today and every day. Today I say to my friends, "Use the force Luke!!" And go out and live that good life because it IS POSSIBLE!!

Here is one of the latest pictures of my cutie bootie!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A letter to my Parents

Now that I am a parent, I am going to repost a letter I wrote to my parents for the 30 day challenge a long time ago. I appreciate all my parents did for me so much more that I now know how hard it is to be a parent - the hardest, most exhausting and the greatest, most exhilarating and wonderful job in the world!

Day 24 - a letter to your parents

Dear Mom and Dad,

This is going to be a letter of gratitude and reflection. I write this ironically enough, on my parents anniversary. I commend you for staying together for 40+ years, through it all.

Mom, thanks for being such a good Mommy. For all the encouragement and hugs and all the unconditional love. I thought that I couldn't live without you when I was little. I had some major attachment issues. I thought as long as you were there that everything would be okay. I had to grow up and learn how to live in the world without you always around. Thank you so much for loving me so much. Telling me I was beautiful and smart and funny. Thank you for being so sympathetic when I was hurting and in pain. Thank you for making dinner every night and making sure we were heatlhy. I know that my deep love and compassion I get from you. I remember we were on a train going to Boston and I remember that there was a stranger who was really upset and crying. You hugged them and held them and when you came back to our seat I asked you what the problem was and you said that they had just found out that their mother had died. I hope that I can be this loving to others everyday. I try to be. Thanks for telling me to believe in myself and think positively and to try my best. Thanks for being fun and silly with us when we were kids. I remember laying opposite and playing the "chin game" where we would look at our chins upside down like they were the face. We could do this for like an hour just cracking up and laughing. Thank you so much for reading to me all the time. I remember all the countless books and how I loved to listen to you and look at the pictures. Especially our favorite, my favorite children's book, The Maggie B.! Thank you for giving me my love of nature. Thanks for teaching me about art and giving me my artistic abilities. For driving us around, for listening, for being there, buying me clothes, taking me to the doctors, taking care of me when I was sick, giving me so much comfort, for PAYING ATTENTION and CARING SO DEEPLY about me!! Thank you for EVERYTHING, for raising three crazy girls and putting up with all of our stuff. I know that was hard and exhausting!

Dad, thanks for always knowing how to fix things! Its been really hard to be on my own and not have you around when my car breaks or my toliet breaks or the kitchen sink or the toaster, the WHATEVER is always breaking down or needs a part and I don't know how to do it! Thanks for helping me with my dreaded math homework. Even in college, when I had to move home and finish my degree, you would stay up and help me with Statistics which was a nightmare! Thanks for teaching me about the world and the universe, about how things work. I would take your National Geographics and gain a lot of knowledge and inspiration about the vastness of the world and the universe. Thanks also for sharing your love for nature. You and Mom always had a heathly garden and you would be out there working so hard, cutting the grass and growing beautiful flowers as well as vegetables and herbs. It wasn't taken for granted. Thanks for being the provider and for managing to raise three girls on one salary for all those years! Wow, that I know was hard and exhausting as well. I know that I have learned discipline, determination and my more pragmatic and practical side from you. Thanks for teaching me games and playing them with me. Its funny that you are playing these same games with your grandchildren. I learned most of my card games from you. It was fun to do the "mini page" with you and try to find all the hidden items. Thank you for being there, paying for everything that I couldn't like when I crashed the car when I was in highschool, helping me pay for college, for guiding me, washing the cars, telling me corny jokes, being proud of my good grades, telling me I was smart. Thank you for EVERYTHING too.

Our parents give us everything they have and put our happiness before their own. We can't thank them enough and words can't express how much we love them and appreciate them.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Confessions of a new Mom

Let me start off my saying I am aware that I hardly ever post and I knew that when I had a child I wouldn't have time to do the "extra" things in my life that aren't a part of keeping her alive and happy and keeping everything else together so that I manage to make it to work and somehow eat and maybe take a shower and do it all again.

I could spend many posts telling you all about my traumatic labor/birth. I could go on and on for days telling you about my long, scary and painful recovery in the hospital and at home. I could also mention how my HR at my office managed to leave me completey in the dark about my maternity leave causing me so much stress and endless hours dealing with their bullshit.

But I won't do that. Because that is giving energy to so much negativity and that isn't what is important. What is important is that I was given a gorgeous, healthy little girl and she makes me so happy. There is a quote that when you have a child you wear your heart on the outside. Well it is more like your heart AND SOUL on the outside. She is a manifestiation, living proof of my love, my prayers, the best and most exquisite beauty from within. I am not a very religious person. I was raised Catholic and I have a deep and powerful belief in God but I don't go to church anymore or belong to a church. That being said, having this child has been one of the most wonderful spiritual experiences of my life. Words can not express the magnitude of the joy or the wonder. But I am humbled by all of it and I am grateful for it. As much as I complain about the pain of pregnancy and child birth, I know that men can't fully understand what it means to create a human inside of you to be two beings at once and then to give this person life. A woman is a very miraculous being and we should be given the utmost respect and praise that we truly deserve!!

Having a child is like something cracking open your chest to let all the love and light out and this little being is smiling at you and is so precious and wonderful.

Ok, there is some of the deep and serious stuff and now for a little of the funny. That is what I want to do with this blog - BRING THE FUNNY.

My little girl just had her 2 month birthday and in those first few weeks, it is a whirl wind of extreme sleep deprivation, crying, boobs, tubes, brest pumps, endless loads of laundry, pacifiers that just fall out or get spit out, lots and lots of pee pee and poopy diapers, spit up, so much spit up and now, more and more beautiful smiles and cooing.

Most days I wouldn't sleep very much at all, every one tells you to sleep when they sleep but you have to use that time to make more bottles, clean and sterilize the bottles, clean the brest pumps parts, take a shower, eat, do laundry, and more laundry and oh AS SOON as you put stuff in the washing machine, she spits up on her outfit and pees and poops on her changing pad cover and spits up on some more burp cloths. Every time you turn around you are starting another pile that is dirty or needs to get folded and put away.

Sometimes your eyes are stinging from no sleep and your changing a poopy diaper and the poop just keeps coming so you are trying to get her clean and as soon as you get it all cleaned up here comes another big amount of squishy green sticky smelly poo and then you look up at her face and she has just spit up at the same time! WHEW! You have to laugh at the overwhelmed-ness of these times with your newborn. It is amazing how such a tiny little being can cause so much change, require so much attention and time, but that is fueled by love. A lot of days you haven't slept or eaten and you are running on "fumes", there is no back up tank, its just love. I have two older sisters with 2 kids each and I thought I had seen it all and I knew so much about taking care of children and babies. It is DIFFERENT when you are now the parent and this little life is totally dependent on you and everything they do makes you worry. Is that too much spit up? Is she constipated but not all the way but just partially constipated? Is that poop the right color? Is she too hot, too cold, I am not sure of any of the above cause SHE CAN'T TELL ME!
Or when you are driving and you can't even see her because the safety and law require you to have a rear-facing car seat that will probably save her life if there was an accident but now she is coughing and you are terrified she might be choking and you are just obliviously driving along down the road. Joe and I have both pulled over to get out and check on her. IT IS HARD, so much HARDER than anyone can tell you. There are millions of books about babies and children, but every child is different and they are right - "they don't come with a manual!!"

Every thing has a time limit and a weight limit. She is already 11 pounds or so and we can only use her bassinet until she is 15 pounds. Then it will be time for a new car seat. She is continually busting out of her clothes, she is 2 months but wearing her 3 month old clothes. She has long legs and long feet just like her Mommy so I have to try to stay ahead of the game and already have a ton of clothes to give away.

I could keep writing all day, but I think I will take a break for now. But I will come back in an exhausted haze someday soon and tell you all about my latest adventures in parenthood!