Friday, January 20, 2012
Confessions of a new Mom
Let me start off my saying I am aware that I hardly ever post and I knew that when I had a child I wouldn't have time to do the "extra" things in my life that aren't a part of keeping her alive and happy and keeping everything else together so that I manage to make it to work and somehow eat and maybe take a shower and do it all again.
I could spend many posts telling you all about my traumatic labor/birth. I could go on and on for days telling you about my long, scary and painful recovery in the hospital and at home. I could also mention how my HR at my office managed to leave me completey in the dark about my maternity leave causing me so much stress and endless hours dealing with their bullshit.
But I won't do that. Because that is giving energy to so much negativity and that isn't what is important. What is important is that I was given a gorgeous, healthy little girl and she makes me so happy. There is a quote that when you have a child you wear your heart on the outside. Well it is more like your heart AND SOUL on the outside. She is a manifestiation, living proof of my love, my prayers, the best and most exquisite beauty from within. I am not a very religious person. I was raised Catholic and I have a deep and powerful belief in God but I don't go to church anymore or belong to a church. That being said, having this child has been one of the most wonderful spiritual experiences of my life. Words can not express the magnitude of the joy or the wonder. But I am humbled by all of it and I am grateful for it. As much as I complain about the pain of pregnancy and child birth, I know that men can't fully understand what it means to create a human inside of you to be two beings at once and then to give this person life. A woman is a very miraculous being and we should be given the utmost respect and praise that we truly deserve!!
Having a child is like something cracking open your chest to let all the love and light out and this little being is smiling at you and is so precious and wonderful.
Ok, there is some of the deep and serious stuff and now for a little of the funny. That is what I want to do with this blog - BRING THE FUNNY.
My little girl just had her 2 month birthday and in those first few weeks, it is a whirl wind of extreme sleep deprivation, crying, boobs, tubes, brest pumps, endless loads of laundry, pacifiers that just fall out or get spit out, lots and lots of pee pee and poopy diapers, spit up, so much spit up and now, more and more beautiful smiles and cooing.
Most days I wouldn't sleep very much at all, every one tells you to sleep when they sleep but you have to use that time to make more bottles, clean and sterilize the bottles, clean the brest pumps parts, take a shower, eat, do laundry, and more laundry and oh AS SOON as you put stuff in the washing machine, she spits up on her outfit and pees and poops on her changing pad cover and spits up on some more burp cloths. Every time you turn around you are starting another pile that is dirty or needs to get folded and put away.
Sometimes your eyes are stinging from no sleep and your changing a poopy diaper and the poop just keeps coming so you are trying to get her clean and as soon as you get it all cleaned up here comes another big amount of squishy green sticky smelly poo and then you look up at her face and she has just spit up at the same time! WHEW! You have to laugh at the overwhelmed-ness of these times with your newborn. It is amazing how such a tiny little being can cause so much change, require so much attention and time, but that is fueled by love. A lot of days you haven't slept or eaten and you are running on "fumes", there is no back up tank, its just love. I have two older sisters with 2 kids each and I thought I had seen it all and I knew so much about taking care of children and babies. It is DIFFERENT when you are now the parent and this little life is totally dependent on you and everything they do makes you worry. Is that too much spit up? Is she constipated but not all the way but just partially constipated? Is that poop the right color? Is she too hot, too cold, I am not sure of any of the above cause SHE CAN'T TELL ME!
Or when you are driving and you can't even see her because the safety and law require you to have a rear-facing car seat that will probably save her life if there was an accident but now she is coughing and you are terrified she might be choking and you are just obliviously driving along down the road. Joe and I have both pulled over to get out and check on her. IT IS HARD, so much HARDER than anyone can tell you. There are millions of books about babies and children, but every child is different and they are right - "they don't come with a manual!!"
Every thing has a time limit and a weight limit. She is already 11 pounds or so and we can only use her bassinet until she is 15 pounds. Then it will be time for a new car seat. She is continually busting out of her clothes, she is 2 months but wearing her 3 month old clothes. She has long legs and long feet just like her Mommy so I have to try to stay ahead of the game and already have a ton of clothes to give away.
I could keep writing all day, but I think I will take a break for now. But I will come back in an exhausted haze someday soon and tell you all about my latest adventures in parenthood!