Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I'm Bringing FUNNY Back

So like the song, "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" from our little J T-Lake, I am bringing the FUNNY back. I am sorry I had to have so many angry, sad and serious posts. But Life is everything, sad, bad, sorrowful, painful and also joyful, happy and filled with laughter. I love all things funny and making people laugh so I will try to get back to that. I will also post some recent baby pictures cause I know all of you would rather see those then read my ramblings.

I can't believe that I am only 34 and since I have had a child I feel like now I have the body of a 85 year old. Well people are looking younger and younger these days, maybe I look like a 95 year old!
I had huge boobs before I was pregnant and they just got bigger when I was pregnant. I had to wear a giant maternity bra that I had to order. Then they didn't go back to their original size after I had her, they are somewhere in between. They are also MUCH, MUCH lower! My sister said her boobs looked like ballons that had had the air let out of them after she had breast fed her children. She had little boobies, I had huge ones so I figured I would fair better. Nope, they aren't wrinked up but they sure are headed south, WAY DOWN SOUTH!!
I had enormous stretch marks that covered my belly and after I had her my belly just looks like a jiggly mess. Kind of like those people on Biggest Loser after they lose all the weight and have tons of loose skin hanging - yeah, that is what it looks like with a bunch of cellulite in there too. Sexy right?
And its really not fair because I gained the LEAST amount of weight possible during my pregnancy. I only gained about 30-35 pounds! That is incredible and amazing compared to some other women who gain 60 pounds during their pregnancy. But sadly, I was overweight before I had her and I was what they call a "mature mother" cause I was 33, yeah, super OLD to be having a baby. Its just ridiculous. So now I have to spend a ton of energy trying to get my body back into shape. Some sort of acceptable shape, like actual shape, not fit, I am just trying to look normal damn it!!

As a result of this extreme metamorphosis that my body went through, I had to buy new bras and new pants. But it didn't end there. I also had to buy new shoes. That's right. For some women your feet grow. You go up a 1/2 size or a whole size. Well, I was a 9 or 10 in women's before I had her. Now I am a 10 1/2 or 11 in womens. So imagine my horror as I realized I couldn't wear any of my shoes either!! I had to go out and buy all new shoes as well. It is very expensive to have a child, not only all the things you have to buy for them but all the things you have to buy for your ever-changing body!!

During my pregnancy I also went out and bought myself some nice HUGE "granny panties" so that I would be comfortable. I am still wearing these giant underwear after having her cause they cover more surface area! I also still wear some of my maternity clothes cause they are so roomy and comfy. Especially my Old Navy maternity yoga pants. These were probably my best purchase during those long 9 months.

So I will include the hilarious scene from Zach and Miri Make a Porno, called "Granny Panties" - you probably won't get it unless you see the movie. Disclaimer: I love this movie so much and I hate all and everything to do with porn but this movie is funny and cute. So if you haven't seen it, definitely get it and watch.

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